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Understanding or Experiencing

April 5, 2016


“In the end, I am less concerned with defining God than I am with experiencing God.”


Belden C. Lane


I am currently working Steps 2 and 3 of AA recovery.  They are:


            2.  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.


            3.  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God

                 as we understood God.


I sit here in addiction recovery for the past 16 years.  I have spoken the words of these steps hundreds of times.  Each time, I have silently denied a nagging doubt.  I don’t understand God. Now I have said it:  I don’t understand God, Higher Power, the Source of life.  My mind cannot wrap itself around the vastness of creation.  I contemplate the solar system.  I imagine the complexity of the human body.  I witness the growth of a seed in to a life sustaining plant.  I observe the interconnectedness of all of life.  I just don’t understand any of it.  I get overwhelmed by both the simplicity and complexity of it all.


This reveals a flaw in my character.  I insist on trying to understand rather than simply experiencing.  Now I have to face the challenge of my Source serenity:  live the fullness of the experience and stop trying to analyze each experience.  Just how do I do this?  Simply!  Live out the basics of recovery blessed with the gifts of Yoga:


Be still.


Separate feelings from stories.


Be still.


Rest within.


Be in community.


Stop trying.


Enter the experience.


There have been times when I have done some of these.  When this has happened, I have found myself beside restful waters.  I will continue to practice this gift of life.  I will listen to the reminders that I don’t have to be perfect, that I will learn the lessons of pains of errors.  I will continue the journey.  Thank you for being part of my journey.





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