I'm still compulsive about some things. Being "on time" means getting somewhere early. I've always been that way, and it's helped advance me in the professional world. "The early bird gets the worm"; you know the drill. In that context, I didn't mind waiting at all; for the bell to ring, or someone to arrive at the office and turn on the lights that I work without. Yes, I even liked working in dimly lit rooms back then.
In the world of emotional sobriety, spiritual development and living my calling, I've taken a much more passive role. And, I finally can see the fear underneath believing that time was going to deliver something; that really wonderful something that I longed for, but couldn't touch yet. If I was just patient enough, and did my housecleaning, and preparations.
This is the last scene of my forthcoming book, Going Naked, Being Seen: Mary Magdalene and the Return to God.I'm in Laguardia airport, preparing to fly back to Kansas City, Missouri, after visiting a friend:
Now, I was ready to create. I looked around me at the airport ,captivated by the array of fascinating people waiting to board the plane. I glanced over my shoulder to the window ledge and saw the New York Times there. I had bought that paper every Sunday for years and had told Cynthia that I wanted one, but we forgot to pick it up before we left for the airport. As we parted at the airport she reminded me to buy a paper before I went through security, but I forgot. I walked over to the window, picked up the paper and smiled to the sky saying,
“Thank you for remembering.” I sat down, opened the paper, and prepared to hear my boarding call. I wasn’t waiting for the call really, I was expecting it so I could enjoy everything going on around me.
From waiting to expecting. Whoa, what a revelation. I spent so much of my life delaying an elusive happiness and peace because I was waiting for something I didn't have, instead of appreciating what I did. I did not know authentic gratitude, either. It's shameful to me now, but I felt entitled to certain things, and when I didn't get them, got mad. It wasn't okay for me to be mad though, so I didn't call it mad. I didn't call it anything; I just lived a whole lot smaller than I could have, and I don't mean in assets alone. In expansiveness, inside. I did not trust God, for a long time. I didn't understand how it works. And, there were a lot of old ideas that had to come up for a survey, so I could see them in the light of day, and let them go.
When you are willing to surrender every facet of your life to the Divine, greater power, potential and possibilities begin to be made manifest in each moment of your daily experience ♥ Panache Desai
Just this week alone, I had with time with friends, really loving and meaningful conversations with several people, and special gifts from friends that know me well, and hardly at all. I feel like a circuit completed, and I am in the flow of something nourishing and alive. It's made me speechless, and reduced me to tears of gratitude too. And, I never left my room.
It's been about a month since my friend hung a bird feeder for me outside. Still, no birds eating from it. I realized last night, as she picked me up to go to a music and dance performance, that it didn't matter that I hadn't seen a bird there yet. Every time I look at that feeder, I think of her, and how much bird feeding has come to mean to her. I remember that she drove all the way to my place one night, to give it to me. She shared what kept her alive and in love, during a year that included deep grief and the shifting landscape of family relationships. She loves music and dance too, and picked me up for an excursion to see both.
Even getting lost for an hour in the dark while rain pounded the windshield didn't bother us. We were together, we loved each other, and we knew we'd get there eventually.
These are the experiences of a week that keep me resonating love; the place where I know God is real, and has a pattern and plan for everything. It's the most graceful feeling I've ever known because I am in the feeling, not some far off idea in my head.
I see the little things around me, and I feel them too.
Gratitude expands me, like an instrument amplifies a sound. So, this song is for my bird feeding, music loving friend. It's one of her all time favorites. Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley.