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Ha ha ha

“Who am I? Who are you, God?”

“The false self is all the more delusional the more it appears to be ‘good’.”

Richard Rohr

Who am I?

My answer to this question necessarily contributes to the reality of my false self.

Now what? Can I define myself? Can I identify my false self?

How necessary is it to determine a specific concrete definition to either of these questions? Well, I can relate these questions to my definition of sobriety, sort of. When I first began the journey of the 12 step program, the definition of sobriety was easy: DON’T USE THIS SUBSTANCE. That was relatively easy. I say ‘relatively’ because the journey of the 12 steps is taking me in to a spiritual journey that has no end. The recovery journey is an evolution of transformation. My initial expectation was simply to get through the 12 steps and be done.

HA, HA, HA! I hear this often from my Higher Power.

She has a great sense of humor, usually at my expense, and blessing. The delusion of the old beliefs, denials, and lies take on the reality that guides me in to the pain of truth with the grace of growth. Fortunately, you who are walking this journey with me show me the images of ego and Divinity in a well-polished mirror. You are there to move with me with experience, strength and hope. Whew! Thank you.

There is an old prayer from the Jesuit order of Catholic priests. I have meditated with it often. I’d like to share it with you:

Take, Lord, receive, all my liberty.

Memory, understanding, my entire will.

You have given them to me. They belong to you.

Now I return them.

Give me only Your love, and your grace.

That’s enough for me.

I am beginning to appreciate the pitfalls of my memory. While well intended, and I believe necessary for my spiritual foundation, the early teachings etched in my memory have limited the evolution of my Spiritual relationships and communication.

What a paradox!

Without these teachings, I would not be able to recognize their limitations. These teachings have been the foundations of my expectations, disappointments, anger, and resentments. From these same teachings I am surrendering the limitations and finding a freedom of mind, body and spirit. From this foundation, I am learning who I am and who I am not. I am discovering my Higher Power. Both of us evolve, grow, suffer and celebrate. Like a yoga pose, I can hold on to the present and enter within. I can discover within, the freedom of ease and stability. I can follow the inner voice to instability and return to stability. When I surrender ego, the inner being challenges the old teachings and experiences. Therein lies the source of the next best decision. From within, I transform into the Divine, Infinite and Pure source of self. With self-study (svadhyaya) the transformation continues. (The basis of Step 10)

So, who am I? I am content to know a moment without need to define. Rather, I celebrate an experience.

So, who is God? Again, I rest in the contentment of the moment without words and without need to explain to you.

These are the moments beside restful waters. I don’t have to wait for the wind and waves. They will be here soon enough. I will rest in the memories of the journey and the moments of peace and sacred joy. These treasured memories will be the support needed during the storms with the knowledge that more restful waters are ahead. As always, the memories are of your experience, strength and hope.

Together, we rest.


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