“Don’t dare go after your faults yourselves or you will go after the wrong thing, or more commonly a clever substitute for the real thing.”
Richard Rohr: Breathing Under Water
Yes, I am still studying this writing of Fr. Rohr. And to the statement above, I say
Very loudly I say this, because I just spent several months working on steps 4, 5 and 6 of AA. This was a lot of work to delve in to my character defects, share them with God, myself and another person, and then ready myself to humbly ask God to remove these defects. Now, as I prepare to humbly ask God to remove these defects of character, I hear this statement above.
Was all this work for nothing, if all I did was go after the wrong thing?
OK! I’m tired of thinking of all of the contradictions of the past few months. Just when I thought I was really making some headway, Fr. Rohr drops this bomb, suggesting that I am after the wrong stuff.
So, I have been quiet for the past couple days. Well, quieter than I usually am, anyway.
Be still and know
Be still and know that I am
Be still and know that I am God
In the stillness I can breathe a healing breath. I can know peace. I can know being. I can be in the presence of God, quietly.
Again, I observe my attitude of entitlement. Look at all the work I did. Isn’t this worth something?
Oh Greg. You make me laugh, a lot. You still think this is about you. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Where is the little boy with the blond curls? You know, the one who rode the stick horse with your teddy bear. I want that little boy back. He will simply be with me. He will trust me. He will know my joy and my love for him. He didn’t over think everything. We loved each other without expectations. Where are you, Greg, my little boy?
Now, Greg the big boy (?) observes the layers of complications which obstruct the simple truth: God loves me and offers only the best for me. Now I can see that I am enjoying many blessings which used to occupy the space of my lies, entitlements, fantasies, and self-control. Many of my addictive desires have been replaced with relationships which offer honesty, peace, fun, and gratitude.
Relationships. Gratitude. Honesty. Fun.
All of these include you.
Nothing more to think about tonight. Maybe later.
Peace. Thank you.