What stops me from surrendering to my Higher Power?
I've been thinking along these lines over the past couple weeks as I pondered the 'muddy waters' of my soul. Do I have the patience to allow the muddy waters to settle? If I do, what’s left?
Space! What occupies my space right now?
Mud? Muck? I can call it by any name. My reality is that my soul is easily filled with self. I am comfortable with my way of thinking. I like things my way. Step 3 of the 12 steps asks me to make a decision to turn my life and my will over to God.
I am willing to do this - to a point. I want to be sober. I want to know the clarity of love and life. BUT!!!!! I want it my way. I am familiar with my way. I am comfortable with my way. I have lived my way for decades. So, I struggle with just how much of my way I am sincerely willing to surrender.
I like to think that there is space in my soul for both me and God. Hmmm? Sounds a lot like denial to me. My way is the way of addiction. In the past, I have frequently admitted that addiction and God cannot occupy the same space. Well, I continue to believe this premise. However, I am struggling to put this in to practice. I think of it as simply adding a personal touch to my soul. You know, I'll only share some of my space with others, or with God.
The beauty and benefit of sobriety is clarity. Clarity illuminates life in ways I never imagined. Well, here is another point of clarification: How much of my space is enough? How much of God's space is enough? I find the answer painfully obvious: my way always gets me in to trouble. God's way has never gotten me anything but love and grace. The miracle of God's way is that I am able to fulfill my individuality. I have a unique purpose, offered by God, to be lived in a way that only I can live. This should be enough, right?
This is a point of my prayer and meditation, my effort to know God's will for me. I will continue the practice of seeking God's will for me. Of more importance, I believe, is that I accept God's will for me. Ouch! Acceptance. This is my stumbling block. This is the mud in my water. My refusal to accept is taking up a lot of space right now.
There is good news: The fellowship of recovery, and the fellowship of life, helps me to know that I am not alone in this journey. Whew! Again, I will turn to all of you who share this journey of life with me. With you, I have confidence that I will slowly allow the mud to settle. As this occurs, God will have more space in my soul. Peace, love and grace will grow. We will continue to meet beside restful waters with our experience, strength and hope. See you soon.