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Mental Resistance

“Gossip: The terrorism of words.”

Pope Francis

OK! I have had enough! It seems like every time I read to study and grow, I end up with a 2x4 experience. You know, wham, right across the soul. A stunning blow to my self-analysis of ‘progress’. Here we go again. This one nailed me, hard.

However, the challenge for me is not so much that I enter in to lots of gossip, verbally. BUT! My thoughts, wow, my thoughts teach me of the magnitude of my ego. The people I see in my thoughts are usually viewed from my personal parapet, high above those of you below. I find myself waging my own, internal, war of terror. My enemies can include anybody.

I am often surprised at the enemies I meet in my mind. They all/you all need to be fixed. My approaches to your repair is quite varied. Sometimes I take the quiet approach of counselling. Other times and I am much more aggressive. Often I am outright hostile. However, my approach is irrelevant. It is my intention that I find so offensive, to you, to myself, and to our Divine Master. The approach is a fight to impose my will on yours.

The fight: Many of us know that when opponents fight, each strengthens the other. It is a basic law of nature: The more I resist, the stronger I become in my resistance. This is one of the purposes of physical exercise – more resistance and effort yields increased strength. The same holds true with my thought process. The more effort I put in to imposing my thoughts against yours, the stronger my thoughts become.

These observations are surprising to me, yet so very revealing. I am becoming more aware of my character defects in this process. Thus, I note the results of combining meditation with 12 step work, especially step 4. I am ashamed and embarrassed by the realization of the arrogance I express with the very thought that someone needs me to fix them. Wow! I am amazed at this understanding of myself.

Now what? First, I will acknowledge the feelings of shame and embarrassment. These can be released in favor of the gifts of love, peace, and growth. Further, I recognize my need to accept myself as I am, just as I am. Next I will express gratitude for the gift of the 12 steps and meditation as these give me the opportunity to continue this journey of self study (svadhyaya). I will continue to lift my eyes from shame to grace while entering in to my mantra, “Your love and your grace are enough for me”. This will continue to increase my mindfulness, my awareness of the destructive nature of my thoughts AND the mercy of our Divine Master, the one who continues to love me, accept me, and bless me with these lessons of the journey.

The journey always ends in a place of rest, a place of gratitude, a place of peace.


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