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Understanding or Experiencing

“In the end, I am less concerned with defining God than I am with experiencing God.”

Belden C. Lane

I am currently working Steps 2 and 3 of AA recovery. They are:

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God

as we understood God.

I sit here in addiction recovery for the past 16 years. I have spoken the words of these steps hundreds of times. Each time, I have silently denied a nagging doubt. I don’t understand God. Now I have said it: I don’t understand God, Higher Power, the Source of life. My mind cannot wrap itself around the vastness of creation. I contemplate the solar system. I imagine the complexity of the human body. I witness the growth of a seed in to a life sustaining plant. I observe the interconnectedness of all of life. I just don’t understand any of it. I get overwhelmed by both the simplicity and complexity of it all.

This reveals a flaw in my character. I insist on trying to understand rather than simply experiencing. Now I have to face the challenge of my Source serenity: live the fullness of the experience and stop trying to analyze each experience. Just how do I do this? Simply! Live out the basics of recovery blessed with the gifts of Yoga:

Be still.

Separate feelings from stories.

Be still.

Rest within.

Be in community.

Stop trying.

Enter the experience.

There have been times when I have done some of these. When this has happened, I have found myself beside restful waters. I will continue to practice this gift of life. I will listen to the reminders that I don’t have to be perfect, that I will learn the lessons of pains of errors. I will continue the journey. Thank you for being part of my journey.


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