When I Grow UP...

“When I grow up I want to be a little boy.”

Joseph Heller in “Answers From the Heart”

During the initial growth from adolescence into adulthood, I believed that I was supposed to leave my childhood behind. I thought that I had to become a man: act like a man, talk like a man and leave my child behind. I seemed to do a pretty good job of that. However, I frequently heard people say that I often acted like a big kid. This usually had a complimentary tone to it so I was confused. How can I be responsible for family and work while acting like a child?

The formal, therapeutic part of my recovery helped me to realize that my child is always part of me. We frequently hear of the need for a healthy childhood (whatever healthy means!). So my therapist helped me re-examine my childhood. I learned that I was very creative during these early years. I had a very active fantasy world which took me to some great places. It also saved me from a lot of pain and loneliness. Unfortunately, this also fueled a dishonesty which contributed to my growing addictive lifestyle. In my addiction, I lived a lie, a fantasy which convinced me of the need for my false reality.

Recovery offered truth. This created a struggle between my healthy and unhealthy child. Which is which????? Fortunately, recovery is a journey, not a goal. This journey offers me ongoing experiences during the transformation from addiction to sobriety. As I continue this journey, the fear is subsiding and I am observing an openness to the lessons. I can experiment with the ups and downs along the path. I am enjoying a sense of adventure during the growing pains, the discoveries of reality, the glories God, the Sacred moments, a the realization of hope for the next opportunity.

Meditation creates the stillness I need to clarify reality, Divinity, health, and the desire to continue the journey with gratitude.

Gratitude: There are so many others that contribute to my journey. Each of you contributes to the fullness of life. Some remind me when the child should come out to play. Others create the more adult like interactions. Together, we create the ongoing transformations which evolve into the fullness of life. We end up together beside restful waters. At times, we can lie beside the water and bask in beauty. At other times, we can jump in and splash and have great fun. Either way, we enjoy the opportunities for their gifts. Thanks for the help.


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